I’ve never been afraid of the dentist. I’m one of those freaks that enjoys going to the dentist. I even worked for a dentist, once.
Then today happened.
I scheduled a cleaning a month ago, and though D-Man has repeatedly told me to “forget everything nice you’ve ever known about dentists,” I’ve simply chalked it up to D-Man just being another coward when it comes to getting his teeth checked.
Today, I should have taken it as a sign when I skipped out the door and D-Man yelled after me, “Don’t worry! You’ll have something to write about!”
But I rolled my eyes and continued on my way.
I should have taken it as a sign when there was no initial paperwork to fill out, where you are normally given the option of letting your new dentist know whether you have a history of teeth problems or other health issues.
I should have taken it as a sign when the cute little dentist girl maniacally picked up the dentist drill and went drill-happy before bothering to check for cavities.
I should have taken it as a HUGE sign when she said, “Now, this here is bicarbonate. It will remove the stains.” WHAT STAINS, LADY?!?!?! She proceeded to shoot what felt like massive crack cocaine at my teeth, which, upon striking the surface, was ground into a fine white dust that managed to settle all over my clothes, face, and hair. Then she shot some at my tongue for good measure and left it numbly scorched.
When the teeth cleaning was over, I FINALLY took it as a sign when – disheveled, abused, and dizzy – I stood up from the chair and nonetheless kindly asked if she had seen any cavities. Cute little dentist girl sat me back down and began poking around in my bloody mouth.
This is me leaving the dentist’s office.
When D-Man saw me, covered in white dust and wild-eyed, he began GUFFAWING as if NOW, of all the nows he could have chosen, his life was complete.
“You knew this was going to happen?!
“I kept trying to warn you!”
“You never bothered to go into DETAIL. Sometimes, DETAIL is essential to get the point across!”
“I told you. The dentists here aren’t like American dentists.”
[Grinning from ear to ear.] “Así es España.”